by blog contributor Marissa Glover
Whenever I feel like I’ve had a really bad day, that I’ve failed as a mother and 100% guaranteed my son’s future need for therapy, I remind myself that there are at least 5 women who are WAY worse at this mothering thing than I am.
Who are these awful moms?
- Cersei Lannister
While I’m all about family and, just like Cersei, I turn into a ferocious Mama Bear when it comes to protecting my kid, I’m happy to report that his father is not my brother. Also, I’m not a murderer. Also, I’m not a liar. Also, I’m not a crazy person who will blow up an entire city because revenge is a dish best served with a secret stash of wildfire.
- Bonnie Plunkett
It’s not the recovering alcoholic part or even the slew of inappropriate sexual comments in front of our friends that make this mom’s mothering less than perfect. It’s that she’s a passive-aggressive narcissist, which basically means her daughter is not a single mother of two—she’s a single mother of three. And the third child is a grown-ass woman who isn’t maternal but mean as hell. I work really hard not to be passive aggressive and to model this simple rule: “If you’re going to say something, have the courage to say what you mean.” (My son calls this parenting style “aggressive-aggressive.” Works for me!) Sarcasm is both sword and shield for the Passive-Aggressive, so in our house we try to lay down our armor and choose to be honest–yet kind–instead. One thing I honestly and kindly teach my son is that he’s not the center of the universe. Otherwise, he may grow up to be the male version of Bonnie Plunkett.
- Petunia Dursley
Petunia thinks her son IS the center of the universe. Used to always getting his way, Dudley is a 10-year-old bully who is mean to animals and humans alike. Petunia’s claim to fame is that she’s Harry Potter’s aunt, but she locked her poor nephew in the cupboard for a decade. Reason #1 to call the Department of Children and Families. If my kid complains about two minutes in the Time Out Chair, I remind him of Petunia. A decade in the cupboard! Hellooo! As bad of an aunt as she is, she doesn’t get any points in Mothering either. Petunia’s no mother—she’s a SMOTHER! And her over-indulgent helicopter parenting has created an entitled, spoiled rotten monster of a muggle. I admit that I’m an active parent: I’m in my kid’s business at school, at home, and on the playground. But I don’t automatically take his side against the entire world just because he’s my scrumptious little angel baby pookie pie perfect face.
- Janine Cody
If Petunia Dursley is dedicated to her one and only child, Janine Cody takes dedication to her kids to a whole new level—it’s dedication on steroids. Or, dedication doing a truckload of cocaine. Like Melissa Fenton, Janine’s got 4 boys. Unlike Melissa Fenton, Janine is the matriarch of a Southern California crime family. And Janine (AKA Ellen Barkin) couldn’t care less what mommy bloggers think about her as a mother. She thinks loving “her children to a fault…makes for a very juicy role” that’s far more interesting “than someone sitting there knitting socks for her children.” Ouch! When I start to feel bad that I can’t knit the way 4 Boys Mother can, I comfort myself with the fact that I haven’t killed anyone or taught my boy to do or deal drugs like this other 4 boys mother.
- The Burying Beetle
Never mind that this mom lays her eggs in the dead carcass of some other animal, consumes the dead animal, and then vomits the dead animal as a way to feed her young—I can respect this. A mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Girl’s just making sure her kids get fed. But when her hungry kids pester her for food—I don’t know…maybe she’s had a rough day… maybe she’s tired of living inside a dead mouse, eating the dead mouse, and puking mouse parts on the regular—something inside her snaps, and she eats her hungry kiddos. I can honestly say that no matter how tired I am, or no matter how much my kid bugs me, I will NEVER eat my son. Best. Mom. Ever.
Remember, if you compare yourself to the perfect moms you see on Facebook, you’re gonna think you’re doing a lousy job and ruining your kids for life. The next time you feel like a loser, compare yourself to these 5 moms. You’ll feel like a winner for sure!